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"Intuitions" that match wishes and longings often aren’t true intuitions

19 Jul
A woman feels she is somehow "supposed" to be with a man who was not honest with her. She cut off the relationship but feels they are meant to be together ..
Dear BR,
I had a very sweet, very intense relationship with a man who wasn''t honest with me. I ended it with him but I can''t shake the feeling that we are supposed to be together and every time I try to move on I feel something tell me he loves me. I have made no attempt to contact him...and I dream about him constantly, I feel so...connected to his soul. I think I am going crazy and I am very depressed because I can''t seem to let it go. Something keeps pulling me back. What can I do?

Dear M,
Ah, if I had a nickel for every time someone has told me "I just know we are supposed to be together".

First of all, congratulations for not contacting him. This takes discipline, given your longings and musings about him. Obviously you wisely understand that "intense and sweet" have been trumped by "not honest with me".

And clearly the idea that you are meant to be together is suspect. "Intuitions" that match wishes and longings often aren’t true intuitions. They are simply dressed-up wishes. You are bound to hold this notion that you are meant to be together as shaky at best.

I would like to suggest to you an idea that may make him easier to let go of. You may be missing the early intense and sweet feelings from the beginning of the relationship more than you miss this man, who clearly has disappointed you in a pretty significant way. Those feelings would be gone, with or without him, because the relationship had moved beyond those feelings. The reality of who he was and what he did (whatever it was) superceded the fabulous, passionate high of those early hormones and neurotransmitters - which would have had a certain, limited shelf life anyway. In a good relationship with a trustworthy partner, those hormones get traded in for the sweet, yummy, cozy ones, punctuated by still-available passion. I’ll bet you miss the high, which you associate with your early, intense feelings for this guy.

My own intuition says you were right the first time, when you cut it off. Don’t confuse the guy with the great feelings. Those are yours and yours alone, and you can have them with somebody else.

Belleruth Naparstek

Psychotherapist, author and guided imagery pioneer Belleruth Naparstek is the creator of the popular Health Journeys guided imagery audio series. Her latest book on imagery and posttraumatic stress, Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal (Bantam Dell), won the Spirituality & Health Top 50 Books Award