As Summer draws to a close, I hear people speak of clothing they need to buy for Autumn and Winter and how discouraged they are because they have been "out of control" with regard to what they've been eating and lack of exercise. For the first time in my life, I feel different about the need for new clothes, and I wanted to share my experience with those who feel discouraged. I have been obese all my life. I began putting on weight for protection, and using food to medicate when I was being abused severely as a child. I am going to be 66 in November, so that's a long time to have been more than 100 pounds overweight.
In my 40's I began therapy and started excavating the pain I'd carried within for so long. I also tried lots of "diets," none if which worked for any length of time.
This past year, something shifted inside me and a new urge came over me...the urge to unveil...to be free...to be fully me. My soul was ready! One year ago this week, I took charge of this part of my life, not to diet, but to take better care of this physical vessel which houses my soul. I share the following which I hope will inspire others to heal and nurture your psyches and your souls. When we do this, it feels natural to also want to heal the body...the physical temple which we present to the world.
May you love yourselves abundantly, mind, body and spirit.
Love and blessings to all.
Journal Day #365
August 26, 2014
This week marks one year since I gave up Coca Cola, and in a few days it will be one year since I embarked on this journey of self-care and change. I have travelled some interesting paths since that fateful day when a decision was made within me to face, heal my body, and unbury myself from weight which I’ve carried for most of my life. I also needed to face the fact that I’ve used food as a drug for as long as I can remember.
It has been a journey of countless shifts within me. At times I felt strong, positive, motivated and vibrant. At other times, I’ve felt frightened, anxious, angry and in despair, much as I’ve felt in the past when I attempted to make these changes. Sometimes I feel strong, and other times I feel fragile inside. My determination this time is different, though. For some deep reason, even when I detour from my newer habits, I am able to get my focus back, and for this I’m grateful. This time I also know the feelings of love, compassion, deep joy and glimmers of true freedom.
Deep within my spirit, if I am honest with myself, I still use food to medicate. I’ve found this to be especially so since my son and his family spoke of their plans to move farther away, and since I’ve joined a group where feelings are stirred personally and empathically. On a number of occasions I’ve used foods that I have eliminated because they make me feel good, and a number of times I’ve realized that this is a false sense of feeling good, because I’ve medicated and not addressed my feelings!
When I am in fear about finances I want to medicate! When I feel invisible, I want to medicate! When I am in a rage, I want to medicate! When I feel feelings of abandonment, I want to medicate! I am learning to honor my feelings, to listen to them, to express them, and to be real with myself. This journey of 365 days has brought me to this place of keen awareness, and I do not always act upon my “want.” When I do, I try to be compassionate with myself and this makes a difference.
I struggled with this, as I wanted to come to this milestone week, fully healed! I wanted to be free of the old cravings and the old desire to medicate! My expectations, which did not totally transpire, caused me to be disappointed in myself temporarily, until I realized what I had accomplished and the deep changes that have happened within me. I love myself now, and I can honestly look within, catching myself when I start to judge. I find a place of compassion for myself, and from this compassion healing happens. I am learning how to comfort myself and how to feel comfortable within myself. I am a work in progress.
I’ve lost 89 pounds, and I commit to losing the last 30 pounds. I commit to bringing more exercise into my life, and to do these without judgment or criticism. I choose to focus on the successes of this last, very profound year, and today, I recommit myself to deepening the process of healing, clearing, accepting, challenging myself to grow, with love, respect and gratitude for the journey, which has brought me closer and closer to who I really am. I step through the gateway to what comes next, with anticipation and a sense of awe...and then I fly!
We are One Voice